God's Will

I've never believed in the prosperity gospel.  God’s will doesn’t seem to me to occur instantly or immediately because we follow a set script based on our preconceived notions of the demands of an omnipotent God. To me it’s “feel good” theology, a way to bring people into the doors, promise His goodness and enrich our stores. Give your all to Jesus, he’ll give you so much more, yet it’s hard to believe this when you’re down on the floor.

The reality here in America is even when I feel I am "bad off", I realize that I still have it far better than most. I have food on the table, a house, fashionable clothes and friends to have over and play a good host. Yes, I have lots to be thankful for and plenty to boast, yet when things don’t go my way, I rue the day and cry out and complain and say, “God what a terrible day!” Than getting lost in thought and envy return to my selfish narcissistic ways. Where is God’s will in making me this way?

The reality is we as Christians are in a battle where the enemy uses deception and lies to try to convince us that we are inferiority in disguise. We “feel” inferior to the fashions and all of the trends, the money, the power, the fame, and the glory when it all ends. We “feel” inferior to the standards of school, and of work, and bring it all into our homes, to family obligations, and relationships, to church services and charity never truly understanding the real meaning of “What is God’s will”. We reject the standards as folly of fools, refusing a life that imposes some rules. Still we try to take away from the gleaning, restore our dignity and show our pride never letting on, we are hurting inside.

From James 1, we count it all joy when we fall into trials and the testing of faith brings patience it seems. Yet we are still faced with our materialism and the draw that it pulls, backing us into the vortex as it sucks us down into those feelings of inferiority that return to pull you down deeper because you don't have the American Dream, a house and a fortune so large you could scream. But what is missing? What trial has really been faced? It’s a trial of delusion, of insignificance, the elimination of our pride and public disgrace? Have you been hungry or hopeless or tortured or just fallen from grace?

But it's more than just the materialism, perhaps at its root is the meaning of one's life and what direction it takes. Can I as individual ever really know what impact I may have had in putting on my show? I could look back at what may be perceived as the negatives: the loss of a father at age 8 and remember 2 boys being told they have to be the men in the family now. Oh what a terrible burden to put on a child's shoulder. Childhood lost and a thing in disorder, this family is broken, is it what God ordered? Moving to different locations, attending 3 different high schools, attempting to make friends in each, no complaints though, life is a peach. A drop out in college due to self-inflicted problems, was God’s will found while I stumbled around?

Happiness gained in a marriage and then, for one of the spouses medical issues means an inability to have children it seems. Then joy and excitement at finding out that there will be a child and all is right. Yet there is scared nervousness when the baby is born, he’s 2 lbs 12 oz. and hardly the norm. I walk through the NICU and daily I see our pride and our joy, sometimes he stares back at me.  I notice the baby next to him yesterday is not there today and wonder “Where could God’s will in this be?” while crying and praying each night as I leave, that he will still be alive when I come back in the morning with a wife clinging to my sleeve.

Happiness returns when he finally comes home, a loving mom pampers and gives ever more. Than bliss is shattered as you learn of the cancer and are afraid of what is in store. It’s a 3 year fight as you watch helplessly and can do nothing as Cancer wreaks havoc on the spouse that you love. God’s will belongs to only the angels above. Standing strong and thanking God when he finally relieves her suffering and then feeling guilty because you felt relief when she died. You crawled into yourself, to hide when you cried. Facing depression at the bottom of a bottle until you woke up to see smiling eyes and realize what was being neglected in the 3 year old that she left behind. God’s will was it whispered until it was heard coming down through the hills. Was that nudge that was felt meant to be or was it just wishful thinking by me?

New found joy once again and riding new highs, while leaving the past behind and moving on with a sigh. A new house, a finished college degree, marriage to another that loves unconditionally. The start of a business, a lifelong dream, achieved minor success, expansion and more. Blending families together and adding number 4. The economy tanks and business heads south. God’s will in this life of divine providence, I wish it would all just make some sense. Financial ruin and bankruptcy loom. Again those feelings of failure and voices say you’re inferior.

Impacting of lives and other families as you give employees the bad news, blame it on the economy, you’ve got nothing lose or so it may seem it’s time to escape from this scene. A new job awaits one that seems perfect to you. You can make a difference, you can be you. First year goes well; you help people that are new. Than they are let go and you are left with nothing to do, but try to help those that want nothing to do with you. Finally the axe falls and you’re shown to the door. Thank you for your service but we don't need you anymore.

Don't worry, we'll make it, we will be fine but the kids they don't like it and don't want to be seen with a loser they think is mean. He's old and he's clueless, Ugh knows how it seems, to be held accountable for all the wrong things. Nobody is watching and nobody cares about what went on in the past to show them love or how many times he tried giving a hug. Rejected and lonely and desperate he seems, God’s will for his family he has no clue what it means. No matter the past when he just wanted to make them happy and give them a home full of joy, replace the loss of their father with the gift of his love. Yet it never did happen, it was all just a big thud and no one is happy and everyone screams and children grow up too fast in this modern day world where everything can be viewed on a screen.

Others have crumbled and failed to see, what is God's will in all of this for me? Some become bitter and angry and mean. Is that what I'm destined to be? Others are watching and what should they see? I've had my Job like struggles. I've had enough can't they see? I cry out again in anguish, “Lord what does it all mean?” What is your purpose and where do I fit in to this lowly old life made up of mice and men? I feel destined for greatness yet here I am, chafed and quenched and blown by the wind.

Never give up, Never Give UP! The battle isn't over, it's only begun. Who am I just a little minion? No, a child of the King! Those words are not words he doesn't whisper that to me. Why in my life is it meant to be, meaning expressed over the century? Why not right now in this very moment while I’m here, I wait patiently for something to appear. Whether wrong or right I continue this fight. What more can be done? What more do you expect from your saints and your Son?

I'm trying to count the blessings. Naming them one by one, but when it's a struggle it sure not much fun. I'll never give up. I know my struggles are part of God's plan, His will perhaps I’ll never understand. I'm not in his inner circle yet, I'm only a mortal man. Perhaps his will has nothing to do with me? Were others watching what I would do? What impact I had in continuing to look up to YOU? Would I collapse, would I give up the fight? Or would I continue to try to make it alright? I keep the faith, I fight the good fight, rewards are not meant to fulfill me in life.